by Lauren Stewart
Fear, rage, and guilt doing shots to see who passes out first.
This is the image I get when I think of how easy it is to not feel what is really going on in me. This New Year’s was brutal. A lot of fear came up. Why do I, do any of us,
the door on ourselves…
like all the time?
First, often when we feel bad it is because of the meaning (relative to perceiving we are safe, loved and worthy of both) that we give to the event, NOT the event itself. Think about that. Do you agree? Maybe not. It sounds harsh. But if you think about that in your situation, does it make sense? If not, stop reading. Cause neither will the rest of this, haha.
So, feeling what we actually feel would equate signing paperwork that the meaning is true; the meaning we couldn’t help but adopt as a conclusion to lost love, lost hope that we were good enough, way back not so very long ago as small people. It would equate investing in a story we don’t want to believe in (but do anyway). It is no different than thinking we would be investing in a rotten onion. And why the heck would we do that?
Oh but the price! Our body takes the beating of this suppression. And our mind stays split. How can we make ourselves happy when we are living two lives? We distract ourselves of course, from the inner-child who has something to be felt and validated, and has something to teach us about the next step in our evolution as a personoid. Yes, I said personoid.
How many times a day does a flitting bad feeling swoosh through your mind and body? And what do we do with it? Why were we never taught what to do with these? Its crazy! What we feel is the entire basis of our perceived happiness and we have no relationship with our emotions and beliefs, relative to our well being. We are so cut off from ourselves! We keep vaulted off in the highly classified section of our brain, access to our deepest fears and concerns. We are scared of our own mind!
hell?! Me too.
Cry?! Pshhh. Now way. Invest in that rotten onion? Sign that paperwork? Eat a shame sandwich! How bout I don’t acknowledge that feeling and we can just carry on (as if I don’t believe in the meaning I am giving to this situation). That meaning is all tied up in shame and scary things.
“Go away feeling! All you do is activate my shame! Shut up. What’s this? Anger? Why? You have a good life! Have another shot. Another round? On the house!” This is one very powerful reason to NOT feel what we feel. Makes total sense to me.
So, I called a friend and he said, “Just let it flow and be natural.” You may think I wanted to punch the guy through the phone. But no, no. It felt weird hearing this, I admit, as this is pretty much what I would say to someone. But standing in the squall of my own fears, I am glad to have friends to remind me. So I did it. I got to the point I could really feel the deep fear and anger at myself. I yelled at the air about what’s wrong, and what I want to be different. This is key. To say, I deserve better! I don’t want this!
So much of the despair we are trying to avoid feeling is based on an idea that things wont ever get better. When you let the feelings rise up and be felt, you become energized in the direction of your desire, which is empowering and helps shift out of that doom mind set.
I felt my power come back as I validated that I am right to feel as I do, solely because I made logical conclusions, and of course I would feel this way based on my conclusions.
We can use the upsets to teach us what need we wish we were paying attention to. And then DO THAT. This is the point. I cannot stress enough how hard this is to do. I mean REALLY do. Not kinda do. I mean go all the way. For me, it helps to just start easy with a little cry. Then that feels safe and eventually I can talk out loud about what isnt fair, what I wish were the case, what I am believing to be true that hurts to believe. And what I want!
What would happen if we meet the person we are trying to keep quiet. The one who is full of stupid ideas and scary shame. What happens is we claim our power. Its counterintuitive. Like Harry Potter in Goblets of Fire when he was in the maze. He was hanging from his legs, upside down in a tree, but the sky was below his head. The world had flipped. He realized if he let go of the tree he would right the world, against the very apparent doom of falling into the sky. He let go and the world flipped.
There is one problem. If you have a deeply rooted belief that you are not worthy and things will not, can not improve, this will be very painful. You will get stuck at hopelessness. But if you follow it through step by step (as I sort of laid out in that paragraph, a formula that follows a natural progression) it can lead to a more empowered perspective and self image around the issue. There are always options. And this is what we need to remember to feel hopeful.
When we acknowledge what is under to surface trying to be felt, hell yes, we invest our focus in the story! But we also validate ourselves. We let ourselves feel bad without a Should-Judge butting in with “You should stop crying and deal! What’s wrong with you?!” There is relief in this, especially for those of us who learned it was wrong to feel bad and express discontent. “Don’t be upset about that!! Just deal.” Leads to, “Don’t trust yourself.”
Ooooo baby that’s a nice little road through hell (true story).
If emotion can lead to new understandings, an excuse for self-care and catalyze inspired action then we can be inner alchemists. Let whatever is within you be acknowledged. Take Fear, Rage, and Guilt out of the bar to the park. Otherwise they’ll just be hung over.