Getting clear (attempt none-the-less) on whats holding me back from living my ideal lifestyle
warning: very serious post here, a tad off my usual pace.
This was a very hard question to answer. This has been the question I’ve been asking myself for a year now and Natalie Sisson makes it the first one of the series!!! If I knew the answer to this question I’d be sailing! I have come and gone from this blog post many times in the past four hours, searching for the answer; spent an hour playing piano, hoping the answer would “come” to me, journaled, stretched, even did a backbend hoping it would jolt clarity into my brain. Cried (can’t forget this activity), dyed my hair, and here I am. Its 1:26 am, Natalie, with no answers. So for the sake of writing something, anything I am going to attempt an honest answer. It may not be totally the reason, but it’s the best I’ve got.
What is holding me back. Something is keeping me from feeling hopeful about life. It’s like a weight. I don’t doubt myself. It’s not that. I am not lacking of hobbies and passions for sure! I have health, thank goodness and am quite happy these days, relatively speaking. But I have a doubt about maybe money, or something. It makes no sense. I used to be extremely adventurous. Parenting brought on stability and some adult-like qualities. Maybe that’s it. Maybe i fear changing my life around invalidates the life I had been living. I’m sad my marriage didnt work out. I’m sad I am not in a sunshiny place. I am responsible for where I am, however, I am still sad. I feel overwhelmed with what it will take to get to where I want to be because where I want to be looks quite different than what I see. Except my son is close and that is the most important thing right now.
This has to be the most unselfaware writing I’ve done, publicly anyway. I apologize. I really tried. Like I say, this is a giant sticky web of a question that I will continue to get clarity on. I’m going to say: overwhelm is holding me back. That feels right. But it’s more than that. Its deeper and I just wish I knew. Maybe I should go for hypnosis. Seriously.
Whatever it is will lose in the end because I WILL create that life for myself. I already am!
Love and flealess nights to you all,
This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1