by Lauren Stewart
Maybe you have tried positive focus and Careerbuilder and Strengthsfinder 2.0. Still stuck. Well, I personally hate long intros to articles setting you up with stuff you already know. So I shall just dive into it!
One reason we stay stuck is buried in the subconscious, wrapped in an invisibility cloak protecting our self worth. It is that we feel we have to hold onto a perspective that feels safe, relative to our identity and feeling loved. If that makes total sense to you read no further. Congratulations! Otherwise, stay with me, I am going to walk you through this. This is my hypothesis on why some people, no matter what they do, stay stuck. Like I was.
A concept outlined in Paulo Coelho’s, The Valkyries, is that we make a pact with defeat. Yeah. I know, heavy. We gave up at one point when we felt unloved, and shame was activated. I take it a little further. As I do. We are waiting for a resolution to that injustice of being unloved and feeling unworthy. That waiting takes the form of what others call self sabotage. Meaning we refuse happiness until we get the love and acceptance that will switch off the shame and switch on the self-love. Confused?
Like, say a kid gets flack for showing they are upset. The family has a low tolerance for anything unsavory. Only good vibes in this house! They are sent to their room or criticized. So, the result of upsets is shame. The child wants to be seen as she is. To make matters worse, if she was compared to a “good” sibling it would push her even further into her camp of needing this acceptance for her perspective and grievances. A love competition.
Success, to this child, as an adult, could equate happiness, which she wants. However, she needs to be seen as she is first, without proving she is happy and good. Her expectation that her parents will give her this acknowledgement, which would release her from the shame, is competing with her desire for stability and success!
You see how this works?
So we look at the need. In this case, the need is to be seen as OK by her parents as she is, and as unhappy. She can now get this need met in other ways, after making a conscious choice to give up getting it from the caregivers or whoever. This validates her self worth and now (finally, hallelujah!) she can go after her dreams. The pact is broken. The need resolved. The whole friggin lid is blown off the story!
I made that choice. It was intense! Wait for dad or get the need met to validate myself elsewhere. This was very powerful and has made it easier for me to start playing bigger in my life ever since. The weirdest part is that after I did that and gave up, he actually apologized for something just out of the blue that was pretty key. I was like, “You go, Universe!”
The subconscious pact with defeat CAN be broken, consciously. The deeper need to be loved and validated can be resolved and met, intentionally. It takes insane amounts of honesty and self inquiry to get to this. But it can be done.
It’s worth it. It’s freedom.
Thanks for reading and have a magical day,